Living in the Flames

I don't want to talk about it... and I do. I can't stand that I even have to talk about but, I will.

Information of a fellow officer down comes in tiny pieces, from many different people, like rapid fire. Texts and calls, his phone explodes. In this specific situation, no one actually knew the details, but the diluted information spread like a roaring wildfire and I felt it's embers each time I heard something new. It stung and it swirled around me, my eyes darting across the room. 

The shooter was loose, running or hiding in a forest I recently went to a wedding in. At the time of the ceremony, the trees were layered with white Christmas lights, the sun shone through the conifers like laser beams. Now, at night, I pictured it blackened and foggy. Eerie and filled with endless places to hide, to take cover in and wait for another officer to confront him.

Jeff was reading aloud multiple texts from several officers all while being stuck inside his own head. I felt like I was on a carousel - sick to my stomach, confused where we started, how did we get here?, wondering when it will end. And it ended... with him telling me he was leaving to help search those darkening woods. His words stuck to me like a brand new burn, searing and sizzling, he was going in. Heading off to search those woods, so recently filled with love, for a possible cop killer. 

"But, are you being called in? I don't get it. Why do you have to go if you weren't called in?" He snapped at me, "A cop was shot! This is my job!" His words were cold and I instantly felt the pain of my own selfishness, neediness, and the heartache of him speaking to me like a child. Was I acting like a child? Maybe. But, I was still ablaze and flailing for any detail, reaching for something to hold onto that that wasn't already burning. I quickly grasped at my own coping skills which continue to dwindle with our current social climate. 

Just like that, the answer was before me. It didn't matter what happened or what was going to happen, my husband was a part of it. Without knowing details or instruction, he would be there. I stood still, sore from his abrupt words and swallowing my fear filled tears like an LEO wife learns to do. I had been looking for reassurance and comfort and was met with sharp fear, anger, exhaustion, pain. It's his job to process everything in an instant and an officer down drains him of any capacity for compassion or understanding. His emotions turn off and an officer stands ready, to think that instinct changes because he's not at work is the same as assuming a parakeet can swim. 

So, in that moment, his brothers in blue needed him and his terrified wife needed him, but I take the step back and watch him go. My throat is dry, my heart is racing, but in that moment I have to be my own reassurance, my own comfort, my own love and peace. In times like these, I am my own support system. I swallow the smoke, cover my burns and smile when he hugs and kisses me goodbye. 

"Be safe, honey." I lock the door behind him, leaving me safe inside and him...

I walk the lonely stairs to the kids' room and Grace is almost asleep. His diesel truck fills the room with a roar as he starts it up on the other side of the wall. Her eyes pop open with a start," What's that noise?!" 

{I am peace. I am strength. I am love. I can do hard things, I can live this life, I can believe and know he is safe.}

"It's nothing, Sis. Go to sleep now."

She thinks her dad is still downstairs and closes her eyes. 

... And the flames scorch my back as I shield her from them.