Love Hurts

I lost my heart. Well, I know where it is, it isn't "lost", but it is not mine anymore. It belongs to a little, curly haired brunette; my heart beats in a one year old's body. And let me tell you, she isn't very careful with it!!!

She runs way too fast near sharp, protruding corners. She shoves 15 goldfish in her mouth at a time. She refuses to go down stairs on her belly but instead, insists on sliding down them forward facing with a head that seems to sit way too heavy on her tiny body causing her to have absolutely no balance. She stands up in the tub; she refuses to sit her naked tooshie down in the soapy water! She's not nearly as cautious around curbs as a mother would hope and she sleeps with her favorite blankie completely covering her face. She's living on the toddler edge and I don't know how my heart will make it through.

I definitely under estimated the bond between mother and child. I always thought my mother was such a leech (sorry mom xoxo) when it came to feeling the same emotions as me. How could my feelings being hurt possibly affect HER?! They were my feelings! Not true. A mother wrythes in her daughter's pain, thrives when her child is content and lives for the laughter of her hysterical baby. I don't know how I'll handle the future, it seems tough. The first boy who breaks her heart and mine will shatter. (And I thought I would never have to deal with a break-up again) Thinking of the first time she comes home crying because she was made fun of at school makes me cringe. I feel unprepared for what lays before us. Every step Grace takes, I hold my breath and every smile she shines at me, I lose it. I always expected to love my child, I never expected to be consumed with her. 

When she was first born, I didn't sleep for 48 hours because I was worried she would stop breathing. I lay awake in the hospital and stared at her chest rise and fall. When we brought her home, I cried hysterically when I had to leave her in the other room to take a shower. For the first 3 months of her life, I slept with the lights on so if I woke, I could look at her instantly. None of this is to say I had a stronger bond than other mothers, just to say I was shocked by the love. Surprised by the magnitude. A life I created (with help, of course) that took over my mind as quickly as she came into this world. A precious little girl who stole my heart at the very same moment I gave it to her. 

It's getting easier. I sit back as she shovels too much food in her mouth, and wait for her to spit it out when she realizes it won't go down easy. I wait beneath each step with my finger on the trigger of my lightning fast reflexes. When she falls asleep, I only check on her once and don't remove the blankie. For now, I take it one wild, tiny step at a time. I try and grab that little, squirming hand and hold on tight as she pulls away. When she takes a moment to sit still, I snuggle her and kiss her lavender smelling curls. And when she wants to run I let her go, to be herself and learn things, maybe even the hard way. But, she will always have a part of me because... my heart beats inside her, for her and because of her.